God WHY..... WHY ME..... This life growing inside me, transplanted due to the violent act of a man” I was raped now I am pregnant!

"God WHY..... WHY ME..... This life growing inside me, transplanted due to the violent act of a man, He raped me"

In December 2005, I broke up with the older man as he was verbally abusive to me in front of my then 5 year old child. I removed my things from his home in Decatur, GA, when the words "if I can't have her, then no one will."

I fought, screamed, cried…. It wasn't strong enough. He took whatever he wanted and let him pick up the pieces while my 5 year old was in the living room.

Devastated, confused, hurt, raped, were just some of the emotions he felt after being raped. I felt only with my emotions. I kept reminding myself "that I have to be strong for Jonathan."

Night sweats, inability to sleep, fear, and anger plagued me every day.The jolt of reality awakened when I found out I was pregnant. The horror of the news hit me as I fell to the floor in the bathroom stall looking at the test result.

I muffled my scream as I hit the floor...looking over and over asking "God WHY.....WHY ME.....This life growing inside me, transplanted due to the violent act of a man who claimed he cared Random thoughts ran through my mind, body and soul.

"How can I be a mother to a child whose father took my life, my womanhood, my soul, my strength, my confidence, the touch, smell, taste, sound, and sight of what love is supposed to bring true.

I felt broken. The thought of an abortion came to mind. I reached out for help, but that help left me alone to keep to myself; to deal with evil thoughts and emotions ONLY.

My son is now 10 years old and was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. He is my second love of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I began my journey to cure by attending group and individual counseling at my local rape crisis center.

I had to learn that it was acceptable to be loved, to be hugged, and to be touched, by my own children. I had to learn how to love my children and myself. When I look at him I smile inside. I can finally wrap my arms around my young man without feeling bitter or ashamed.

As my son sits here watching me finish my prep, I can hear him say repeatedly… "I can't wait until mom is a nurse." This is my principle for us. Going to school part-time and working full-time to help pay for a better life for my family will be one of my ultimate long-term goals. I have the strength and courage to move on….and I am going to do it.

Thank you Women Are Dreamers Too for all the help and support during this trying times. I hope to one day pay it forward as a nurse, as a mother as a productive member of society